Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
