If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
