k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
