oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
