my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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