Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Vodka?
Forever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize