There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
