i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
