I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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