Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
