i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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