i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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