I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
