i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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