summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
