Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
