Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
