Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
