Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
