My hand turned me down
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
