Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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