The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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