LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
