the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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