i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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