I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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