apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
