...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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