First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
