he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
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