No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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