I think my vagina is haunted
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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