so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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