I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
