no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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