the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
