I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize