Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
