yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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