Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
