Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
