drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
