____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
