You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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