I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
