I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
tonight lets celebrate not being married
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
