Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
