In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
