I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
