im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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