I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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