we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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