It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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