Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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