it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
