god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
