that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
